When working with clients, a lot of the discontent and conflict they experience in their lives originate in the strain they experience between two basic relational and emotional needs, authenticity and attachment. Attachment refers to the need for connection, love, bonding, a sense of belonging, which makes them feel safe as they navigate their way in the world. Authenticity, on the other hand, refers to the need and ability to express their true selves, including their personal desires, boundaries and emotional states.

In our childhood, both needs are necessary for our survival and a healthy transition into adulthood. However, when I reflect on my own childhood experiences and those of my clients, I see time and again that as children we gave up our authenticity to maintain attachment, whether that be to our parents, caregivers, siblings or teachers. I’m not criticising here, we do so necessarily as a means of survival, adapting to circumstances outwith our control. However, it becomes inevitable that by doing so that we abandon ourselves.

Gabor Mate has spoken at length of how self-abandonment leads to physical and mental illness and disease. Our minds and bodies are interconnected, and so whatever experiences we have or beliefs we hold (e.g. others are more important than us) can affect all of our bodily systems, including the digestive, nervous and respiratory.

Notice what happens when a memory occurs of an event that happened in the past, when someone said or did something that resulted in you feeling sad or angry, and that you identified with the belief that you were wrong or unworthy. Chances are your breath becomes shallow, and your chest or abdomen (or other part of the body) starts to contract. Shallow breathing can lead to anxiety, stress and cardiovascular diseases. This is why I ask my clients throughout compassionate inquiry sessions, what do you notice in your body or mirror back breathing patterns – to bring awareness of my clients’ somatic experience in the present moment. By doing so they can connect with, process and heal from the deeply held traumas held within the body.

By recognising where in our lives we are not living authentically, and instead being driven by old beliefs based on maintaining attachment, we have a choice to make. Who do you want to be in this moment? Because it is through making choices today that you will create a future version of yourself who is authentic, free and in alignment with your values.

So, I ask you, where in your life are you putting attachment ahead of expressing your authentic self? And what steps can you take to bring yourself more into alignment with what you truly think, feel and believe?